C-PTSD is a Bitch

This week I learned that my best friend from High school took their own life.  We hadn’t seen each other in many years and were in sporadic contact (like most people I have known throughout my life of constant moving and upheaval).  I feel a deep love for my friend and a great sadness that they died too soon and in so much pain.  My friend and I bonded sophomore year in high school and were part of a band of misfit kids who came from broken families and abuse.  We held each other together.  We understood each other in ways ‘normal people’ couldn’t.  We were neurodivergent, queer punks navigating the beginning of the end of the US empire and AIDS.

My friend and I share a horrible mental phenomenon known as C-PTSD.  The C stands for complex, meaning that we were sexually assaulted in childhood and had multiple other abuses inflicted upon us by adults in our lives who were suppose to care before we were 18 years old.  We were friends partly because we understood each other’s mood swings and anger came from the same place and wasn’t about our friendship.  We were friends partly because we could deal with crazy erratic behavior that scared others, and would take risks others would not.

C-PTSD has profound effects on the psyche and literally changes your brain function (look it up they did MRI scans).  It leaves us survivors vulnerable to a host of medical issues such as substance abuse, obesity, anorexia, heart disease, asthma, a propensity for cancer, and diabetes.  Those with C-PTSD have shorter live spans typically dying by our 50s.  It leave us survivors vulnerable to extreme anxiety and depression.  My suicide attempt was in 8^th grade, I am not sure when my friend had their first attempt but I know there were many throughout the years for my friend.   In sum C-PTSD is a bitch, it hurts physically and emotionally.

There is hope, there are ways to cope and retrain your brain to process better, but it is a hell of a lot of work and is exhausting.  Those of us with C-PTSD know there is no cure, it will always be something that must be managed and worked around this is also exhausting.  I feel a lot of people minimize C-PTSD if they even believe it is a thing and that makes it difficult to disclose and talk about our issues, compounded with the immense self-shame we feel because of C-PTSD.  I don’t blame my friend, though there is a tinge of anger that they chose to exit the planet.  I understand all too well the emotions and the frustrations and the isolation and the pain. 

So here I sit in the middle of a global pandemic that has killed millions of people over the last 12 months, thinking about death has become the norm.  I sit here with sadness but also with – I know it’s weird for me – hope.  As we get older, more people we know die.  Some people experience the loss of parents at young ages (I was 26 when my father died). Some people experience the death of friends and family early.  The pandemic really brought into focus the fact that many people have never dealt with significant losses before.  Loss sucks, it burns, it aches, it sucks out your breath.  Knowing that someone you loved is never ever going to have a conversation with you again is heartbreaking.  Loss also is good.

I don’t mean it’s good that all these people have died or that my friend killed themselves.  I mean that it is good in that it generates empathy between humans.  I mean, it is good in that it is when we lose people really show up.  I walked in the sun the day I learned of my friend’s death with my dog, smiled, and was thankful for still being alive to feel the warm sun.  I was thankful for my friends who have sustained me in my adult life even when they were not aware there were.  I was thankful for the chance this even and the pandemic have given me to think about what actually matters in life, and to be more conscious of telling people how much they help me, and I love them.

So thank you, my friend.  I will always love you. I am thankful you are at peace.

Enabling and its excuses

The recent revelations concerning NY governor Andrew Cuomo are an opportunity to think about sexual assault and its consequences or lack thereof.  Whether they would label it as such, I do not know a single woman who has not experienced sexual assault or harassment.  Statistics show that approximately one in five women and one in seventy-five men have or will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime.  The problem of sexual violence has existed for millennia and seems to be increasing; as a result, scholars and reporters spend a great deal of time dissecting victims – their vulnerability and their reactions to assaults.  The newest public case of governor Cuomo highlights the problem society has holding aggressors accountable.

Many people are bringing up Senator Al Franken’s resignation from his seat over allegations of sexual harassment and assault in 2018.  The range of comments compares Cuomo’s aggression to Franken as an example of why Cuomo should or should not resign his position.  Some say that what Franken did was not as egregious as Cuomo, so obviously, Cuomo should resign.  Other people say that the loss of Franken as a Democratic senator was devastating beyond what was called for given the accusations against him, and the lesson should be learned to not overreact by asking Cuomo to resign.  Those in favour of Cuomo staying in his job cite his excellent leadership skills and how he has handled the pandemic’s last year, which ravaged NY. 

I have seen this before, not in headline news, but in my own social circles, and I suspect most of us paying attention find this discourse familiar.  The number of sexual aggressors that are in the world is staggering.  That they are allowed to move and operate as free citizens with no consequences is infuriating.  I know several men who had beaten or sexually assaulted people in a social circle and met no adverse reactions or consequences for their behaviour.  Why?  Because sexual aggressors tend to be smart, manipulative and charming.  Sexual aggressors can be highly successful and good at their jobs. Sexual aggressors can be sexually attractive.  Sexual aggressors can be anyone. 

The normalization of acceptance of sexual aggression in media and entertainment mirrors how the real world deals with sexual aggression.  People know the behaviour happens; people know who is being sexually predatory and aggressive; people will still invite the predator to the party.  The lack of consequences for predators is dangerous and damages victims.

Conversations around abuse, and the predator, amongst those that know what is happening, involve several patterns.  The aggression is down-played as not that serious because the victim was not hospitalized or no police were called.  The aggression is down-played as not that serious because that is just how men behave (yes, women can also be predators, but I am focused here on men).  The victim is blamed by asking how much they drank or what drugs they consumed.  The victim is blamed for not knowing better or having better self-defence training.

Moreover, finally, the predator is praised.  The predator is called a great guy at heart.  The predator’s successes are recounted to prove what a great guy they are.  Lastly, the enablers talk about how the predator never assaulted them – I have never seen that. Or, they have always been so nice to me. 

I do not have all the answers to making the world a better place, but it seems that if we are committed to the notion that it would be great if people did not have to worry about being sexually assaulted or harassed every day of their life, then we must stop enabling predators.  We must accept that predators are not actively assaulting people 24/7 and so can also do good things in the world and be successful.  We must accept that just because someone is nice to you, that does not mean they are nice 24/7 to every person they encounter.  We must accept that predators are not obviously evil caricatures but regular people living regular lives.  We must accept that we are perpetuating and engaging in abuse when we ignore predators bad actions to keep the peace.