C-PTSD is a Bitch

This week I learned that my best friend from High school took their own life.  We hadn’t seen each other in many years and were in sporadic contact (like most people I have known throughout my life of constant moving and upheaval).  I feel a deep love for my friend and a great sadness that they died too soon and in so much pain.  My friend and I bonded sophomore year in high school and were part of a band of misfit kids who came from broken families and abuse.  We held each other together.  We understood each other in ways ‘normal people’ couldn’t.  We were neurodivergent, queer punks navigating the beginning of the end of the US empire and AIDS.

My friend and I share a horrible mental phenomenon known as C-PTSD.  The C stands for complex, meaning that we were sexually assaulted in childhood and had multiple other abuses inflicted upon us by adults in our lives who were suppose to care before we were 18 years old.  We were friends partly because we understood each other’s mood swings and anger came from the same place and wasn’t about our friendship.  We were friends partly because we could deal with crazy erratic behavior that scared others, and would take risks others would not.

C-PTSD has profound effects on the psyche and literally changes your brain function (look it up they did MRI scans).  It leaves us survivors vulnerable to a host of medical issues such as substance abuse, obesity, anorexia, heart disease, asthma, a propensity for cancer, and diabetes.  Those with C-PTSD have shorter live spans typically dying by our 50s.  It leave us survivors vulnerable to extreme anxiety and depression.  My suicide attempt was in 8th grade, I am not sure when my friend had their first attempt but I know there were many throughout the years for my friend.   In sum C-PTSD is a bitch, it hurts physically and emotionally.

There is hope, there are ways to cope and retrain your brain to process better, but it is a hell of a lot of work and is exhausting.  Those of us with C-PTSD know there is no cure, it will always be something that must be managed and worked around this is also exhausting.  I feel a lot of people minimize C-PTSD if they even believe it is a thing and that makes it difficult to disclose and talk about our issues, compounded with the immense self-shame we feel because of C-PTSD.  I don’t blame my friend, though there is a tinge of anger that they chose to exit the planet.  I understand all too well the emotions and the frustrations and the isolation and the pain. 

So here I sit in the middle of a global pandemic that has killed millions of people over the last 12 months, thinking about death has become the norm.  I sit here with sadness but also with – I know it’s weird for me – hope.  As we get older, more people we know die.  Some people experience the loss of parents at young ages (I was 26 when my father died). Some people experience the death of friends and family early.  The pandemic really brought into focus the fact that many people have never dealt with significant losses before.  Loss sucks, it burns, it aches, it sucks out your breath.  Knowing that someone you loved is never ever going to have a conversation with you again is heartbreaking.  Loss also is good.

I don’t mean it’s good that all these people have died or that my friend killed themselves.  I mean that it is good in that it generates empathy between humans.  I mean, it is good in that it is when we lose people really show up.  I walked in the sun the day I learned of my friend’s death with my dog, smiled, and was thankful for still being alive to feel the warm sun.  I was thankful for my friends who have sustained me in my adult life even when they were not aware there were.  I was thankful for the chance this even and the pandemic have given me to think about what actually matters in life, and to be more conscious of telling people how much they help me, and I love them.

So thank you, my friend.  I will always love you. I am thankful you are at peace.

some brief thoughts

26 January 2021-  The Wild West, Christianity, Poverty and Covid-19 in the US

The world has been affected by a global pandemic as the Convid-19 virus sweeps across borders, leaving death and destruction.  This is obviously tragic for those who die, but for those who survive, there is also a lifetime of problems that might await them.  A year ago, not many had heard of this virus, and so people went on with their lives.  A year on we can see that the problems of containing the virus are not solely down to the properties of the virus itself but the logistics of dealing with poor human behaviour (failure to follow the rules and heed advice), Dysfunctional leadership (especially evident in the US) and systemic issue like poverty and racism. 

After being fed a steady diet of “American exceptionalism” most people in the US believe that they live in the greatest nation-state to exist.  People in the US seem so enamoured with the country’s superiority that they tend not to travel to other countries [low passport rate] and know little about global politics and culture.  The vanity of people in the US is astonishing when comparing other comparable nation-states (those with large economies, high literacy rates, advanced science) who in reality do a much better job not killing their citizens and working to protect their access to basic needs.

Looking around at the carnage, we find common themes that have defined the US and its relationship to its citizens or inhabitants since the very beginning.  Here we find three strands, 1st the notion of rugged individualism, 2nd the belief in a world ordered by Christianity, 3rd an equation with poverty as a sign of immorality.  Each strand intertwines to undergird the rationality that leads to the crisis now unfolding.

The prevailing ideal citizen in the US is modelled off of puritan Christian culture.  Individualism became a hall-mark of Christian identity in the Christians are reported to have a cultivated individual relationship to god which does not require the intermediation of a religious official.  In the Protestant Reformation, the ideas brought about solidified in the colonists’ culture and governance who settled in the US in the early 1500s onward.  As time moved on the characterization of the rugged individual became a mythological figure to strive to imitate.  Individuals did not need to rely on experts or literally any other people as they pioneered the west and developed homesteads across the US.  Individuals were only responsible for themselves and their survival or the survival of their offspring as a substitute.

The failure of so many people in the US to follow basic hygiene by wearing a mask in public is explained in part by these foundational ideals.  The individual comes before the community is a standard that promotes such immoral behaviour.  More aggravating is the lack of awareness of the dangers of rugged individualism.  Perhaps most dramatically in recent decades the global deaths and infections from covid-19 show that humans are connected in large and fluid networks that circumnavigate the globe.  Nevertheless, in the US – an uber-wealthy nation- there has been a decided failure to convince the public to follow guidance to prevent the virus’s spread.

While the defence posture proclaims civil rights and liberties, it is evident that the real message is – my life and comfort are more important than your life.  No one, not experts, not scientists can tell them what to do.  The tragedy is how many people with this entrenched mindset have actually killed by proxy their loved ones via covid-19.  Mixed with this individual rights narrative is a message of strength and power.  Those who refuse to protect themselves seem to want to project an image of toughness and power.  The virus will not get them, or at least will not kill them, because they are strong and powerful, and those who get sick or die are weak and do not deserve to live. 

We see this played out in the epidemiology in which Black communities have the highest rates of death.  The jump to – oh it must be because they are weak and lazy and do not take care of themselves took no time at all to come out.  The idea that Black people are just genetically inferior plays on the notion of rugged individualism.  The failure to look at history, economics and eugenics as forces at work against Black people makes Black communities more vulnerable to covid-19. 

There are particular aspects of US Protestantism found in the refusal to follow guidance, which manifests in the pandemic’s larger governmental responses.  Interwoven into the lack of response is a definitive Christian outlook which equates individuals’ tragic circumstances to a moral failing.  Many believe that those killed or permanently damaged from covid-19 were chosen by god to be infected and deserve the consequences.  This idea mimics the notion that poor and Black people (those hit the worst by the virus statistically) have failed morally and so deserve to be poor. 

Sadly, a virus that has highlighted the interconnection between humans globally has prompted a resurgence of rugged individualism.  At the same time, it is troubling that the response has re-entrenched racist and classist ideololy, which fail to see how individuals’ suffering has long-term economic and moral consequences in the future.  The 45th presidency advanced these narratives as months passed with no effective nationwide response and states bidding against each other for basic protective equipment. 

The 45th presidency is not responsible for the history that put the US in this current state, but the rhetoric and disastrous response to the crisis is partly to blame.  Perhaps the most effective and enigmatic campaign phrase touted by the previous administration was “Make America Great Again”.  Looking at the last five years, we can imagine that the “Again” refers to when the US expanded its settlement west of the Mississippi. Indeed, it feels as if we are living in the Wild West again.  People dying everywhere, no enforcement of laws, no morality beyond narcissistic self-interest, armed citizens all fit right into a “Wild West” story.  Unfortunately, the “Wild West” was not a great place for women, poor people, people of colour and the disabled and vulnerable in which to live.