Enabling and its excuses

The recent revelations concerning NY governor Andrew Cuomo are an opportunity to think about sexual assault and its consequences or lack thereof.  Whether they would label it as such, I do not know a single woman who has not experienced sexual assault or harassment.  Statistics show that approximately one in five women and one in seventy-five men have or will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime.  The problem of sexual violence has existed for millennia and seems to be increasing; as a result, scholars and reporters spend a great deal of time dissecting victims – their vulnerability and their reactions to assaults.  The newest public case of governor Cuomo highlights the problem society has holding aggressors accountable.

Many people are bringing up Senator Al Franken’s resignation from his seat over allegations of sexual harassment and assault in 2018.  The range of comments compares Cuomo’s aggression to Franken as an example of why Cuomo should or should not resign his position.  Some say that what Franken did was not as egregious as Cuomo, so obviously, Cuomo should resign.  Other people say that the loss of Franken as a Democratic senator was devastating beyond what was called for given the accusations against him, and the lesson should be learned to not overreact by asking Cuomo to resign.  Those in favour of Cuomo staying in his job cite his excellent leadership skills and how he has handled the pandemic’s last year, which ravaged NY. 

I have seen this before, not in headline news, but in my own social circles, and I suspect most of us paying attention find this discourse familiar.  The number of sexual aggressors that are in the world is staggering.  That they are allowed to move and operate as free citizens with no consequences is infuriating.  I know several men who had beaten or sexually assaulted people in a social circle and met no adverse reactions or consequences for their behaviour.  Why?  Because sexual aggressors tend to be smart, manipulative and charming.  Sexual aggressors can be highly successful and good at their jobs. Sexual aggressors can be sexually attractive.  Sexual aggressors can be anyone. 

The normalization of acceptance of sexual aggression in media and entertainment mirrors how the real world deals with sexual aggression.  People know the behaviour happens; people know who is being sexually predatory and aggressive; people will still invite the predator to the party.  The lack of consequences for predators is dangerous and damages victims.

Conversations around abuse, and the predator, amongst those that know what is happening, involve several patterns.  The aggression is down-played as not that serious because the victim was not hospitalized or no police were called.  The aggression is down-played as not that serious because that is just how men behave (yes, women can also be predators, but I am focused here on men).  The victim is blamed by asking how much they drank or what drugs they consumed.  The victim is blamed for not knowing better or having better self-defence training.

Moreover, finally, the predator is praised.  The predator is called a great guy at heart.  The predator’s successes are recounted to prove what a great guy they are.  Lastly, the enablers talk about how the predator never assaulted them – I have never seen that. Or, they have always been so nice to me. 

I do not have all the answers to making the world a better place, but it seems that if we are committed to the notion that it would be great if people did not have to worry about being sexually assaulted or harassed every day of their life, then we must stop enabling predators.  We must accept that predators are not actively assaulting people 24/7 and so can also do good things in the world and be successful.  We must accept that just because someone is nice to you, that does not mean they are nice 24/7 to every person they encounter.  We must accept that predators are not obviously evil caricatures but regular people living regular lives.  We must accept that we are perpetuating and engaging in abuse when we ignore predators bad actions to keep the peace.

Violence and the Christian Trauma Bond

For people unfamiliar with domestic violence and phenomenon such as Stolkholm Syndrom; the Trauma Bond occurs when the abuser creates a traumatic situation such as beating you or threatening to kill you.  After the abuser has calmed down, they deflect all blame and seek to soothe you with attention.  At the same time, the abuser tells you that you need to do better to prevent the abuse and that they love you more than anything.  Thus creating a bond in which the victim seeks to please the abuser to get positive attention.  This cycle is replayed over and over again until the victim leaves or is killed by their abuser.

The high levels of abuse in society mean that millions of people are susceptible to abusive cycles, yet little society does to curb domestic violence.  As with many of the US’s social and economic problems, we can see the perpetuation of abuse and violence is part of the bedrock of US society, which began as a nation that enslaved people for life.  Christianity certainly plays some role in the abuse and violence prevalent in US society today.

The far-right is replete with god loving jew hating christians.  Furthermore, scores of people have died since the 1960’s alone at the hands of violent abusers who were christian white supremacists.  From Timothy McVey to the QAnon insurrectionists who broke into the Capitol on January 6^th white supremacist christians have done significant damage killing adults and children and leaving wakes of trauma behind their destruction.

While people in the US, especially the white people, are happy to justify the endless prison hell of Guantanamo Bay and violence against Muslims because they are Muslim and therefore violent; we fail to account for how violent white christians are in the US.  Besides the millions of domestic violence cases, white chirstians have killed thousands of US citizens since 1865.  I find this peculiar given the similarity between the two faiths and the long history each has of conquest and murder.  Perhaps this is why when the mainstream media discuss white supremacist terrorists in the US; their religious affiliations are often ignored.

I keep thinking about abuse and christianity and terrorism and violence and always Kierkegaard’s Fear and Trembling pops into my head.  Kierkegaard focuses on the seminal biblical story upon which all Abrahamic religions (Jewish, Christian, Muslim) praise deep faith and commitment to god.  In the story of Abraham god, via an angel, tells Abraham he must make a sacrifice to him of his son to prove his love for god.  The son that Abraham received after he pleaded with god.  Abraham dutifully takes his son up the mountain, places him on an altar for burnt offerings and is about to plunge the knife into his child when god tells him to stop.  He pleases god, and everyone lives happily ever after (no one really talks about how much PTSD this caused Issac). 

Kierkegaard reckons that the story shows how you must leap into the unknown with faith to have a genuine relationship with and love of god. Sound familiar?  Kierkegaard seems to be describing the Trauma Bond as an ideal model of christian faith.  The powerful god gives you what you asked for, but only if you acknowledge the complete control of your life to god.  Those that give control are punished, psychologically like Abraham and Issac or physically like Jesus and then rewarded with the promise of eternal bliss.  Those that doubt are also punished until they relent or die with the promise of eternal torture.  The prevalence of violence in US society cannot be fully understood without understanding white christianity.